I Spit Chew On Your Grave (2009) Review

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(More customer reviews)"I Spit Chew On Your Grave" is another intolerable "movie" from Director Chris "Terror At Blood Fart Lake" Seaver and Executive Producer Ron Bonk. It's obviously an exploitation flick, but before you rent or buy this 58-minute long short on depravity, know this: it contains really nothing but disgustingly rude dialogue. There is absolutely nothing to make the film visually interesting, despite the attempt to make it look like an older exploitation flick.
I have always firmly believed "The Underground Comedy Movie" to be the worst movie ever made, but now I'm not so sure. "I Spit Chew On Your Grave" has a completely unsavory plot that I will entirely avoid discussing, the central theme of which is so un-funny that even this group of veterans of no-taste cinema didn't want their names on it. I will say that the story revolves around a disreputable warlock, Gareth, the "Mythical Prince From the Third Realm" (credited as both "Daz Maddison" and "Daz Madison") and his three vixens with names like Honey Lips ("Gwendalyn Booviay;" the film also ostensibly stars "Taco Stephens," "Mandy Bovine," and "Jock De Queaf" as himself.)
Those of you who have seen other films from the same troupe of regulars will recognize the star to be none other than mustachioed Josh Suire as Leo DeChamp (as Leo DeChamp, to add to the annoyance) once again spouting what passes for dialogue (enjoy the connections between Toblerone and Canada. Or don't. Your choice. I didn't.) As the non-plot progresses revel in the horrible spectacle of dancing, a painful standup comedy routine about dry cleaning, assault with a garden weasel, and the worst faux-Chinese accents since "The Wild, Wild World of Batwoman." Leo and Gareth (who has among other powers, and ability to use a split-screen effect and who controls a sock puppet chorus) battle for supremacy, though if you can understand what's supposed to be happening you know (or care) more than I do. Eventually Leo gets advice on revenge from a devilish Grizzelda ("Madam Croakus") in an attempt to parody vengeance flicks, and the film concludes with the worst battle for good versus evil (or something versus something else) in the history of cinematic choreography. (I know it's supposed to be a spoof, but it's just not funny. Or scary. Or exciting. Or interesting.)
This film combines an impossibly un-funny premise, awful dialogue, acting, and direction and blends them together into an absolutely dreadful viewing experience. The DVD also features an astonishingly juvenile and self-congratulatory commentary track if you can bear to sit through the film a second time. (I dare you.)
I would not recommend this movie to my worst enemy. It's dumb, rude, and offensive, and has nothing to show for it at the end of its tortuous 58-minute run.

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