Showing posts with label awful. Show all posts
Showing posts with label awful. Show all posts

Captain America (1990) Review

Captain America  (1990)
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I always liked this movie. It was Marvel's answer to Tim Burton's big budget Batman. Although it received a European release, it was shelved in the U.S. until 1992. I thought it was a good low budget attempt to bring the Joe Simon-Jack Kirby comic book character to life. I can remember seeing the movie poster for it at the theater and being excited, "Captain America: Coming in 1990". This movie has a great cast: Matt Salinger, Scott Paulin, Ronny Cox, Ned Beatty, Darren McGavin, Carla Cassola, Melinda Dillion, Michael Nouri, Kim Gillingham Francesca Neri and Billy Mumy. It was directed by Albert Pyun.
In Italy during WW2, Dr. Maria Vaseli (Carla Cassola) creates a process which transforms child musical prodigy Tadzio de Santis into the hideously scarred 'Red Skull' (Scott Paulin) for the Nazis. Dr. Vaseli escapes to America where she perfects the process and helps the American Military transform Polio-ridden Steve Rogers into the Star Spangled Avenger 'Captain America' (Matt Salinger). Aided by two Resistance Fighters (Scene deleted), Captain America to a hidden Nazi Fortress, Captain America encounters his nemesis, the Red Skull, where he is defeated and strapped to a rocket that the Nazis are planning to launch launch at the White House to kill President Roosevelt. Cap heroically manages to stop the rocket from crashing into the White House; but it crashes in the Alaskan Tundra where he is frozen for the next 50 years.
While Captain America is frozen, the Red Skull and plots and successfully carries out the deaths of John F. Kennedy, Robert Kennedy and Dr. Martin Luther King with the help of a group of international businessmen and General Fleming (Mumy/McGavin). Now, they are planning on kidnapping President Kimball (Cox) and controlling his mind to do their evil bidding. Luckily for the Red, White and Blue, Cap is accidently found by an Alaskan Surveying Team and thawed out where upon he tried to return home and while he finds that things have drastically changed; Captain America is torn between duty and the love of his former girlfriend, Bernice (Gillingham). Sharon, Bernice's daughter (also played by Gillingham) try to stop these evil conspirators.
Music was provided by Southside Johnny, Barry Goldberg and one of the Neville Brothers. It's theme song "Home of the Brave" is very moving.

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Jungle Girls Pack (Golden Temple Amazons / Amazonia / Diamonds of Kilimandjaro) Review

Jungle Girls Pack (Golden Temple Amazons / Amazonia / Diamonds of Kilimandjaro)
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With Shriek Show, connoisoeurs of eurotrash know its best to wait, because quite frankly, few of the titles in their catalogue are worth the single-disc asking price! BUT, as with their Post Apocalyptic Action Triple Feature Pack, their Psycho Killers Triple Feature Pack, their Jungle Horror Triple Feature Pack, their Martial Arts Triple Feature Pack and their Evil Animals Triple Feature Pack, their Zombie Triple Feature Pack, their Wicked Women Triple Feature Pack, and their Demons Triple Feature Pack, this newest edition, the JUNGLE GIRLS TRIPLE FEATURE PACK provides a cheap fix for those who absolutely must see some of the worst euro-junk from the 80's. And at about $6 a disc, these pieces of crap are finally WORTH the money, though you'll pay far less in certain retail chain stores. I found it for $12.99, which further justified a peek.
Up first is GOLDEN TEMPLE AMAZONS, a deathly dull Jess Franco piece filled to the brim with topless women who remain topless throughout to distract you from the utter bankruptcy of ingenuity and awfulness of the story, about a young topless jungle girl, raised by a black tribe, who grows up to take revenge on the nearby tribe of topless evil amazons who killed her parents when she was young. Coming as is did at a time when Franco movies had long since stopped being even remotely interesting (and trust me, most of this man's work isn't even remotely interesting, save for perhaps WANDA THE WICKED WARDEN), the whole thing feels like one lazy grab for what few dollars remained in the exploitation market at the time before being dumped internationally on video under any number of the usual retitlings. In fact, much of the film was directed by a Eurocine journeyman and it was largely edited by company men as well. Eva Leon proves she's still got it, at least from the neck down, as the leader of the Golden Temple Amazons, her wardobe consisting of an eyepatch, a vest and a teensy tiny g-string as she whips her minions and our heroine with gusto. The golden temple "set," such as it is (and probably the centrepiece of most of the scenes actually shot by Franco), is really just a cave with foreground miniatures of "golden" pillars and friggin' BIRDCAGE bars feebly tyring to telegraph some kind of scale. Oh, screw it, let's move on to...
AMAZONIA: THE CATHERINE MILLS STORY (aka Schiave Bianche: Violenza in Amazzonia). Probably the best of the bad bunch in this set, if only for the participation of famed mondo pioneer Franco Prosperi (Mondo Cane, Uncle Tom's Cabin, Africa Addios) who seems to have had an influence on director Mario Garrizzo, who directs this largely in the pseudo-documentary style of Prosperi and Jacopetti's earlier works. Hell, most of the cutaways in this (the shots of beautiful scenery and animals killing each other) look suspiciously like they were shot by the Mondo giants, for they frequently don't match the footage of the main story, . The rather haunting score feels familiar, too. That story, such as it is, is told in flashback by virginal schoolgirl Catherine Miles (Elvire Audray), on trial for the murder of two people. Turns out her parents were killed by a ruthless tribe (she says) during a picnic boat trip down the Amazon. Rescued by the benevolent lead hunter of the tribe, which is the typically nonsensical mix of Spaniards and Asians that seems to crop up in all of these damned things, she gradually learns their ways, and watches their graphic rituals, and spends virtually the entire film topless, and falls in love with her new guardian, all the while nurturing her plan for revenge against him and his people. The revelation of the killers' identities would have been a surprise had they not diappeared from the narrative DURING the crucial murder sequence because the filmmakers couldn't figure out a smart way to temporarily divert the audience's attention away from them, so they just vanish until the end of the film. Dialogue in this is minimal, and comes largely from the courtroom framing sequence, while the presence of a Mondo-style narrator at the beginning and end of the film (where we're supposedly shown footage of the "actual" Catherine Miles in jail, is another nod to Prosperi's roots.
Finally, we have DIAMONDS OF KILIMANDJARO, another slog through the jungle from Jess Franco starring Katia Bienert (EUGENIE) as the white jungle goddess sought out by a crew of hunters and relatives working for her mother, Franco regular Lina Romay doesn't just PLAY a bloated bedridden mess in this, but was actually starting to LOOK like one in real life, and she was only 29! But even in her brief scenes, she fares better than Bienert, who looks positively STONED--or stupid--throughout, swinging topless from vines she barely has the strength to hold on to. One would never believe that this stick of wood had been "acting" for three or four years by the time this came out! Her enemy in this is topless Black Jungle Goddess Aline Mess, a feral stunner who has planted Katia's WHITE, SCOTTISH uncle (complete with tam o'shanter hat and bagpipe theme music) on the tribal throne as part of her cunning plan to take revenge on the evil white men who have threatened her people. Relatively bloodless, but generous in the boobies department, but since it's a mid-80's Franco, everything is shot so matter-of-factly, and without one hint of sensuality, that you just stop carring after the second pair are paraded across the screen.
Extras on these discs are the photo galleries (on all three discs), original trailers for each film, plus several others (again, all three discs) and interviews with Eurocine honcho Daniel Lasouer (on GOLDEN TEMPLE and DIAMONDS, each about 12 minutes), both of which prove to be more enlightening--and more interesting--than either of the films they accompany.

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Female Slaves Revenge (2000) Review

Female Slaves Revenge (2000)
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The top of the box for this DVD states that this is a cult classic."Cult classic". Maybe, we need to examine just what exactly a "cult classic" is. I always thought a cult classic was an underground movie that never was accepted by the mainstream but was reverred and celebrated by a select few. Cult classics are often too extreme or weird for the mainstream but are usually well made and have original and entertaining premises. But maybe I'm wrong because "Female Slaves Revenge" does not fit my critera for a cult classic. Its an extremely bad movie, its not entertaining, its poorly made, poorly acted and the plot is disjointed. Nobody likes this movie not even a guy who enjoys cult classics like myself. This movie belongs in another catagory called garbage. And thats exactly where I will put it, in the garbage.

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Evil Unleashed: The Mummy Review

Evil Unleashed: The Mummy
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I bought this expecting some fun little low budget mummy movie. What I got was...almost beyond belief. The acting is like - remember when you were in high school, and the teacher made someone read aloud from the book to the class? That's the way most of the dialog in this movie is spoken. I kid you not. I expect that when I buy a movie, the actors will have some level of experience, maybe they even attended a class or something. I don't pay money for a movie to see people standing in front of a camera and reciting lines for the first time in their life.
As far as the story, some ancient Egyptian girl kills herself in order to gain immortality, then in the present day some people - you thought I was going to say "dig her up" or "break into her tomb", didn't you? Nope, they find her fiberboard coffin laying out on the ground. They open it up and someone off-camera tosses black plastic scorpions at them.
Okay, next scene - we meet our characters. The girls spend some time sitting in their Toyota Rav 4 discussing how sleazy they are. Then they drive to some apartment and meet a couple of guys. This scene has to be one of the more embarrassing things ever caught on film. Or video, I should say. After a few beers and some fully-clothed "sex", they go to class. Now, you might be expecting a classroom? Nope, how about 6 people sitting at a folding table? Their "professor" tells them about some Egyptian stuff, the students make Beavis and Butthead style comments. Then the professor opens the ancient Egyptian coffin and the evil is unleashed. Well, some smoke is blown into the room. We're treated to oodles of truly awful acting.
Yeah, mummy appears every now and then and does a strip-tease, causing the guys to become hypnotized, then she kills them. It goes on and on. Did I mention recently that all the acting is like high school kids reading aloud for the class?
Overall, ordering this "movie" from Amazon, and then getting this...it's like ordering a novel and getting a ninth grader's English homework instead. I love low budget trash, but this is just some student film project that somehow, unbelievably, managed to get distribution.

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Bloodthirst: Legend of the Chupacabras (2003) Review

Bloodthirst: Legend of the Chupacabras (2003)
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If you have seen any of J. R. Bookwalter's early "Ohio" films (e.g. "Chickboxer,") you know about low-budget filmmaking. The Bookwalter films are not very good even by his own standards, but stand the test of time as amusing cheese. Bookwalter has nothing on Jonathan Mumm, creator of "Bloodthirst" for Z-grade filmmaking on a miniscule budget. The big difference is that Bookwalter's films are amusing as camp, where "Bloodthirst" is a patently trying experience. I have rated it two stars for two reasons: first, I like to encourage independent filmmakers; second, there are several wholly unintentional moments of hilarity to be found here.
The production, acting, sound, and image quality are incredibly amateurish, and it really is like watching a home video. The film revolves around the existence of a chupacabra in an old mine, and the subplots run all over the place, trampling the movie into submission: there's a murder (and vampiritic resurrection,) the lamest bar fight ever, the stupidest newspaper journalism subplot in recent memory, a vampire who looks like a fratboy on a bender, and even a crazy witch called "The Mago," who claims that the chupacabra is a hungry pet left on Earth by space aliens! Beyond that, I can't really tell you much about the plot as it makes next to no sense whatsoever. My favorite diversion in the drunkenly-reeling storyline was when a group of investigators (including two reporters) decide to go after the chupacabra, who by all accounts lives in a cave, which may or may not be a gold mine, too: I was a bit unclear on what parts of the story were legendary and which are not within the framework of the film. What better vehicle, then, to hunt for the goat sucker but in a World War Two DUKW amphibious vehicle? Yes, they went via a lake on the "Duck Tour" of the chupacabra's home turf, all of which is tenuously related to the mayor's reelection campaign. (Somehow.)
Another motif in the film is that of walking. Mumm shows us seemingly endless shots of people walking all over creation (mostly in the woods.) It may sound boring, but wait until you see it! Eventually there is a convergence of moronic subplots on a rocky outcropping. The Mago (Lenore Sebastian) reveals that she actually is the chupacabra, and a horrifying battle for survival (which includes the least credible hypnosis subplot I can recall) ensues.
This is a terrible movie in every way. If you want serious B-movie pain, this is for you. Thank goodness there's no "Bloodthirst 2." What's that you say? Oh that's right, there is. I watched them back to back in one night. The one takeaway is this: as bad as "Bloodthirst" is, "Bloodthirst 2" is even worse. Believe it or not.

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Starquest: The Odyssey Review

Starquest: The Odyssey
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MAVERICK ENTERTAINMENT has really improved their special effects of late. Unfortunately, the rest of the parts of their "films" continue to be worse than what you see high school students produce. In this "epic", a crew of 7 (the unshaven captain, his ex-wife the doctor, a Sulu wannabee, his wannabee girl friend, Wolfman Jack the Klingon, some armed Klingon psycho who keeps shooting up the ship, and some bald white guy who only shows up on the ship when the other 6 are busy elsewhere) pilot a thousand foot long space ship on a trip to contact the living oil well that controls all life. After they do this, they have a cliff-hanger ending. Just so the audience gets what's going on, STAR TREK lettering is used for all of the credits. Obvioudly the start of a franchise..

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I Spit Chew On Your Grave (2009) Review

I Spit Chew On Your Grave (2009)
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"I Spit Chew On Your Grave" is another intolerable "movie" from Director Chris "Terror At Blood Fart Lake" Seaver and Executive Producer Ron Bonk. It's obviously an exploitation flick, but before you rent or buy this 58-minute long short on depravity, know this: it contains really nothing but disgustingly rude dialogue. There is absolutely nothing to make the film visually interesting, despite the attempt to make it look like an older exploitation flick.
I have always firmly believed "The Underground Comedy Movie" to be the worst movie ever made, but now I'm not so sure. "I Spit Chew On Your Grave" has a completely unsavory plot that I will entirely avoid discussing, the central theme of which is so un-funny that even this group of veterans of no-taste cinema didn't want their names on it. I will say that the story revolves around a disreputable warlock, Gareth, the "Mythical Prince From the Third Realm" (credited as both "Daz Maddison" and "Daz Madison") and his three vixens with names like Honey Lips ("Gwendalyn Booviay;" the film also ostensibly stars "Taco Stephens," "Mandy Bovine," and "Jock De Queaf" as himself.)
Those of you who have seen other films from the same troupe of regulars will recognize the star to be none other than mustachioed Josh Suire as Leo DeChamp (as Leo DeChamp, to add to the annoyance) once again spouting what passes for dialogue (enjoy the connections between Toblerone and Canada. Or don't. Your choice. I didn't.) As the non-plot progresses revel in the horrible spectacle of dancing, a painful standup comedy routine about dry cleaning, assault with a garden weasel, and the worst faux-Chinese accents since "The Wild, Wild World of Batwoman." Leo and Gareth (who has among other powers, and ability to use a split-screen effect and who controls a sock puppet chorus) battle for supremacy, though if you can understand what's supposed to be happening you know (or care) more than I do. Eventually Leo gets advice on revenge from a devilish Grizzelda ("Madam Croakus") in an attempt to parody vengeance flicks, and the film concludes with the worst battle for good versus evil (or something versus something else) in the history of cinematic choreography. (I know it's supposed to be a spoof, but it's just not funny. Or scary. Or exciting. Or interesting.)
This film combines an impossibly un-funny premise, awful dialogue, acting, and direction and blends them together into an absolutely dreadful viewing experience. The DVD also features an astonishingly juvenile and self-congratulatory commentary track if you can bear to sit through the film a second time. (I dare you.)
I would not recommend this movie to my worst enemy. It's dumb, rude, and offensive, and has nothing to show for it at the end of its tortuous 58-minute run.

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Aliens Gone Wild Review

Aliens Gone Wild
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"Aliens Gone Wild" is a piece of recorded entertainment that I can't in good conscience call a movie, as it's essentially a bunch of clips from bad Full Moon films cobbled together on one DVD with the most laughable editing in recent memory. It is probably the worst thing Charles Band, maker of over 200 (frequently awful) films, has ever been associated with, and is that rare production where the independently bad components are spliced together into a finished product that is substantially worse than the individual parts. A collection of simple science fiction or horror trailers would have been much more entertaining (don't worry though, there are actual trailers in the extras, along with some other stuff of dubious entertainment value.)
The DVD is broken down into major categories like "Space Freaks," "Alien Classics," and "From Beyond." Each group has low points, but for me the worst was the almost unendurable music video sequence in a hospital early in the film. If you make it through that it gets easier from there, and even includes some footage of a young Demi Moore, who gets star billing along with other luminaries like Julie Newmar, James Black, and Roddy McDowell. Of course there really isn't any one person at the top of the bill as it's just a bunch of footage from other movies mashed together, but at least there are some people you have seen before.
This is one of the most difficult things to tolerate that I have ever watched, and I was sorely tempted on numerous occasions just to stop the DVD and run over it with a car. Now that I've actually seen the whole thing I realize that those instincts were valid.
"Aliens Gone Wild" is among the very worst of the worst.

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She Likes Girls Collection (2006) Review

She Likes Girls Collection (2006)
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I liked several of the stories. None were bad enough to justify a "two-star" rating, in my opinion. First of all, bear in mind, it's low-budget, and why? Because there aren't a whole heaping load of people watching lesbian-themed short stories, that's why. I watched it to the very end, which is more than can be said for 80% of all movies. There is some good writing at work, too. I guess my favorite skit was "This Boy," the one about an androgynous little tomboy who falls in love with another girl. Here's a breakdown on each story.
"The Piper" - the first is a cheap takeoff on the Pied Piper legend. Cute and sweet, but nothing heavy, and reeks of low budget. Don't let this one prejudice you against the rest.
"The Uninvited" - best piece, dramatically - about an older woman who gets infatuated with a younger and uses desperate ploys to try to woo her. Good writing.
"Sarang Song" - Twisted. Blacks are all heroes, whites are all villains. No exceptions. White people are evil. Go kill whitey. Now.
"This Boy" - best of the lot - the precocious actress really carries this short film. Fun and just way too cute. Very well-written.
"Shugar Shank" - an aspiring young musician falls in love with a fellow bandmate (both female). Can she get past the boyfriend--and the addictions? I liked this one.
"Cosa Bella" - I don't think I ever figured out what this one was all about. Two attractive chicks that fool around decide to get serious about each other. Weak. Dialogue is difficult to hear at times. But when you do hear it, it's not even that good. This is the worst of the lot, and no big mystery as to why it's saved for the end.


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Panic in the Skies (1996) Review

Panic in the Skies (1996)
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Definitely not a great film, but a fun one. A TV version of one of the Airport/Plane disaster flicks. Jackson is the head stewardess and surrogate mom and a lot of B-grade 70's and 80's actors make up the rest of the cast. Erik Estrada, Maureen McCormick, Ed Marinaro ... anyway a storm blows up and kills the cockpit folk, so it's up to Kate and Company to save the plane and passngers. They have altitude and oxygen problems, gally fires, stray vicious dogs, rolling leaking cars and criminals all on the loose. BUT - it is definitely entertaining and rewatchable. Silly, yes, thrilling, at times, and so over the top. You almost can't help yourself in getting caught up in all the drama. A fun TV flick.

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A 747 filled with passengers is struck by lightning in mid-flight. The explosion kills the pilot and co-pilot and sends the airliner into a deadly nose dive.As terror fills the cabin, a flight attendant and two heroic passengers race to engage the automatic pilot, saving the lives of 400 people... for now.But with the plane's fuel tank leaking and no one on board qualified to land the jumbo jet, the Air Force is faced with a grim decision: Shoot the plane down over a deserted area or hope they find a solution to save the plane before it crashesinto a major city risking thousands more deaths. With time running out, a few ordinary people must do the extraordinary to save Flight 115 from disaster. Kate Jackson headlines an all-star cast in this explosive drama that features Ed Marinaro, Robert Guillaume, Erik Estrada and Maureen McCormick.

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The Anna Nicole Smith Story (2010) Review

The Anna Nicole Smith Story (2010)
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If you want a well made film with decent acting look elsewhere. It is really understandable that this took two years to come out and came straight to DVD quietly. Anna deserved better and the lead (Ford) was not a great choice, her talent as an actress is slightly above the Hills cast members, with less class (but to be fair Heidi is giving her a run for her money). If you want a campy movie- rent it or look on-line. Not funny enough, even as a campy movie to want to see it more than once.

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Vampire Strangler 2-DVD Collector's Edition Review

Vampire Strangler 2-DVD Collector's Edition
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So, the fabled `Vampire Strangler' gets the special edition treatment. For those who don't know, this is softcore superstar, Misty Mundae's only "hardcore" film. However, be warned: if you are not a Misty Mundae fan, this film will not interest you in the slightest. If you are looking for a good hardcore movie, again, you need to look elsewhere: this is not a film that you will want to buy on a whim. It's a very low-budget affair complete with shoddy camera work and rotten acting.
If you already own the `Ultra-Naughty' DVD (Misty Mundae in Vampire Strangler Unrated Uncut Region 1 Ntsc), is it worth getting this new edition? Well, yes it is if you're interested in the additional material. This new edition contains a re-edited version of the film with the hardcore scenes incorporated into the main feature. The previous version only had these as bonus material. The new edit gives the film a running time of 88 minutes; the previous version's running time was 54 minutes. There is little discernable improvement in picture quality from the originally issued material.
Some stock footage of eastern European street scenes has been added to give the impression that Lydia (Misty Mundae) hails from Transylvania. Additional material has also been added to the scene where Lydia is woken up by something. In the new version, a projector suddenly appears and begins showing an 8mm black and white film of a couple having sex. The original sequence saw Lydia getting out of bed to check the door before returning to bed. This sequence does not appear in the new version.
On the second DVD in this set, the `Vampire Strangler' related extras consist of isolated erotic scenes (these are the deleted scenes as per the original Ultra-Naughty edition) and the original `lost' opening scene. I don't know why this scene was not edited into the restored version, but it does answer something that has puzzled me. The original opening credits list six performers: Misty Mondae [sic], Benny the Stain (aka Joey Smack), Stella Axelstar, Michi, Freak Nasty and Sonny Alacard. However, only four people appear in the film. Well, this original opening involves those missing cast members, but Misty does not appear in this scene. Incidentally, the fourth cast member from the original issue is Lily Tiger. Her presence in `Vampire Strangler' is never explained. While Johnnie (William Hellfire) and Lydia are doing their thing, Lily watches and becomes so aroused that she indulges herself in some minor hanky-panky with the doorframe!
The lovely Lily also appears in one of the DVD's bonus films, `The Vibrating Maid'. This seems like an odd choice for a bonus item since it's already available with Lust in the Mummy's Tomb and `The Inn of 1000 Sins'. I would have thought that something a little harder to find such as `Peeping in a Girl's Dormitory' would have been a more interesting choice. Another bonus film is `My Date With Misty Mundae'. Again an odd choice since it can also be found on Girl Seduction: A Collection of Misty Mundae Featurettes 1997-2002 and it is incorporated into the storyline in Vampire Vixens [Region 2] and in the same title in Misty Mundae Euro-Vixen Collection. However, the version on the new `Vampire Strangler' DVD is a little longer and has a "something for the ladies" moment when more of Misty's co-star, Mike Stefano, is exposed during the phone-sex scene than previous issues of this film have shown.
Of more interest to Misty fans is a short (approximately eight minutes), previously unseen film called `My Property'. This was shot in 1998 for the never completed `Hotel Asphyxia' and has Misty paired with William Hellfire for some nasty naughtiness. It's a pity that more unseen Misty footage could not have appeared as bonus material: surely there must be plenty in existence.
There are a number of trailers for upcoming releases including several Factory 2000 films that have never been issued on DVD, trailers for some retro hardcore titles are also included. The package is rounded off with a booklet containing liner notes and photographs from the production. The picture that accompanies Amazon's listing is taken from the slipcase. The pictures that grace the front and back covers of the DVD case are slightly more risque with Misty wearing a vampire cape and not much else in poses that recall Lina Romay in Female Vampire.
Unfortunately, no documentary material is included in the bonus material. An interview with William Hellfire or a commentary track could have been very interesting. There are some quotes from Hellfire in the liner notes, though.
`Vampire Strangler' is not a good film. Its infamous content may lure the unwary into thinking that this Factory 2000 production above all others pushes the exploitative envelope furthest. This is not the case. You need only to look at the Factory 2000 trailers on this DVD to see that their in-your-face sex and violence scenarios have a much nastier edge with softcore material compared to `Vampire Strangler' with its hardcore, but actually quite mellow content. There is only one reason for obtaining this DVD: Misty Mundae. The fact of the matter is that had Misty's later career in exploitation movies not blossomed, then this film would have been long forgotten. For Misty's disciples, any previously unseen material is always welcome. The film itself is worth three stars for Misty, but the small amount of additional material just about bumps the whole package up to four stars.


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Contract Killers (2008) Review

Contract Killers (2008)
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"Contract Killers" is an allright movie,there are lots of action scenes throughtout, but I didn't see the intensity that "Point of No Return" has. The movie had too many location scenes for me, but the shoot out in the old factory was great. The Amazon price is good and you do get your money's worth with this movie.

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National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 2 - Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure (2003) Review

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 2 - Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure (2003)
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Take everything that was so great about the First Christmas Vacation film, toss it out the window, get a lousy cast and a worst script and you've got the makings of Christmas Vacation 2. Randy Quaid and Miriam Flynn reprise their roles as Cousin Eddie and Catherine Johnson in this horribly un-funny "holiday" film.
Though Eddie's fired right at Christmastime, his boss sends him and his family on a South Pacific vacation, hoping Eddie won't sue him after being bitten by a lab monkey. When the Tuttle family winds up trapped on a tropical island, however, Eddie manages to provide for everyone and prove himself a real man.
Incredibly the movie has a decent supporting cast including Ed Asner, Fred Williard, Eric Idle, Stephen Furst, and Beverly Garland. Never has so little been done with so much.
Why did they make a sequel to Christmas Vacation??? No Chevy Chase, no Beverly DeAngelo? This played more like a bad sitcom than a legitimate movie. Granted, it was a made for tv film, but come on! This was just pathetic.
There were zero laughs in this movie. Seriously....zero laughs. Maybe a snicker or two but that's it. That is quite an achievement! This is nothing more than a slapped together mess meant to cash in on the name of its predecessor. National Lampoon should be cursed to watch this one over and over again.

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Shaggy and Scooby-Doo Get a Clue, Vol. 1 (2006) Review

Shaggy and Scooby-Doo Get a Clue, Vol. 1 (2006)
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Ok to be frank the artwork/colorization is lower than just about every other Scooby franchise piece that has been created. Outside of that It really is not to be judged against the traditional Scooby doo "Mystery" types. It is a cartoon in the scooby doo world, that has characters from Scooby Doo, but that's about it. When my son picked it for his birthday I thought that I would shortly be put through cartoon hell. We have just about every other scooby doo made and the kids love them and I enjoyed them also. After watching it it was a pleasant surprise. The artwork took alot to get used to it still is beneath the usual scooby standards but it is fine in it's own way. The real standouts are the writing and the voice acting which is superb. The secondary characters are interesting and funny and best of all it passed the kids test. It is one of their most requested.

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Tourist Trap (1979) Review

Tourist Trap (1979)
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One of the best horror films of the 1970's has finally been given a long overdue home video makeover. TOURIST TRAP is the most frightening movie ever made about mannequins, and a classic example that a low budget can be a horror film's greatest asset. In today's predictable, estrogen-driven MTV style of filmmaking wherein the writers believe that blood, gore, and throwaway lines are the ingredients necessary to make a horror film, TOURIST TRAP blows that notion out of the water. The film possesses an air of originality thanks to Nicholas Von Sternberg's beautiful visual style and superb editing by Ted Nicolaou. The story itself is similar to PSYCHO, but it's done with such pinache that one might not initially realize it. Brian DePalma's SISTERS (1973) is another great PSYCHO inspiration that you should check out if you already have not.
I first saw this movie one Saturday afternoon on TV in the mid-80's and it left one hell of an impression on me. It begins with what is unquestionably one of the most bizarre and frightening openings ever done in a horror film. A group of friends are on vacation when one of their tires blows out. Woody, the driver, walks to a gas station to get some help, but he finds himself in a situation that would give just about anyone a heart attack.
Enter Chuck Connors. He gives a wonderful and ultimately surprisingly sympathetic performance as Mr. Slausen, a congenial and charming gentleman who owns a now-defunct roadside souvenir shop/wax museum. When he meets up with Woody's friends who are concerned about Woody's whereabouts, Mr. Slausen comes to the rescue, but a series of horrendously bizarre events begin to transpire. As the story progresses, the natural inclination on the part of the viewer is to refute the plausibility of the bizarre set pieces that slowly mount. I find that if you watch it from the standpoint of falling asleep and having a nightmare about mannequins that come to life, this film is much more frightening and enjoyable.
When I was seven, I used to play in my grandmother's basement that was populated by some truly horrific dolls. One of them had outstretched hands with no hair that walked when you wound it up, and let me tell you - they were frightening. This film has that kind of effect.
This film inexplicably received a PG rating during its theatrical release which, the director states, killed it at the box office. I would have demanded an R rating if I were him! While the film contains no overt bloodshed, one of the murders is particularly gruesome and cruel (that's not counting the opening scene!)
The DVD transfer of this film is a revelation. Colors that were originally muted on the old 16mm faded prints that made the rounds on late night cable are now rich and vibrant. Pino Donaggio's score, which is one of the best elements in the film, comes through in full force. As a bonus, director David Schmoeller gives a running commentary throughout the film, though I wish he divulged more information than he actually does. Although he mentions TOURIST TRAP's origins - a film school thesis project called THE SPIDER WILL KILL YOU - he fails to disclose the film's budget. Disappointingly, why wasn't this thesis film included on the DVD? Why does the DVD state that it contains 40 trailers to other horror films when I can only access seven?
Despite my carpings, the DVD is well worth the asking price. The trailer for TOURIST TRAP is included.
For those of you who love gaffes, check out the left side of the screen at the 72:52 point during Tanya Robert's death scene. A stage hand can be seen behind a pane of glass.
Forget SCREAM and I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER. If you don't have a DVD player yet, this is one reason to purchase one. The film is currently out of print on VHS, but VHS stinks anyway!
Thank you, David Schmoeller, for making one of the best horror films EVER.
TOURIST TRAP is superb.

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Teach Me Tonight (1999) Review

Teach Me Tonight (1999)
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If you are looking for best screenplay candidates, thisprobably isn't it. If you are looking for hot, soft core sex withattractive actresses, this is probably more up your alley. Judy Thompson is gorgeous and seems more believable in her sex scenes than pretty much any other actress I've ever seen on Cinemax. Great sex, gorgeous actresses, a couple of great lesbian/threesome scenes, just enough plot to get from one sex scene to the next without dragging on or seeming forced.

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Item Name: Teach Me Tonight; Studio:Monarch Video

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